Conversations are how we communicate and yet when was the last time we were truly attentive in a conversation and our inner commentary was not making us multi-task? In The Lost Art of Good Conversation: A Mindful Way to Connect with Others and Enrich Everyday Life, Sakyong Mipham, an American and Tibetan Buddhist monk, offers insight into having good conversations, noticing our own internal dialogue and reminding us to be present. Take a look at the synopsis:
The Lost Art of Good Conversation: A Mindful Way to Connect with Others and Enrich Everyday Life
By Sakyong Mipham | Goodreads
Cutting through all the white noise, chatter, and superficiality our cell phones and social media cause, one of Tibet’s highest and most respected spiritual leaders offers simple and practical advice to help us increase our attention spans, become better listeners, and strive to appreciate the people around us.
In a world of iPhones and connectivity to social media and email, we are all in constant connection with one another. Then why are so many people feeling burned out, distant from colleagues, and abandoned by family and friends? In this new book from the bestselling author of Running with the Mind of Meditation, the Sakyong uses the basic principles of the Shambhala tradition–meditation and a sincere belief in the inherent wisdom, compassion, and courage of all beings–to help readers to listen and speak more mindfully with loved ones, co-workers, strangers, and even ourselves.
In this easy to understand and helpful book, Sakyong Mipham provides inspiring ideas and practical tips on how to be more present in your day-to-day life, helping us to communicate in ways that elevates the dignity of everyone involved. Great for families, employees and employers and everyone who spends too much time on Facebook, Instagram, and feel -disconnected- in our -connected- world, Good Conversation is a journey back to basics.
Thoughts on The Lost Art of Good Conversation
Rooted in the Buddhist concept of Wind Horse, The Lost Art of Good Conversation is a collection of essays about communicating. The book is rooted in the Buddhist concept of windhorse: being brave and connecting to the inherent power of life.
“Good conversation is knowing what to accept and what to reject, and engaging with kindness and compassion, which are the seeds of happiness because they take us beyond ourselves”.
Sakyong Mipham posits that it is possible to train our minds in this art, to be fully present.
Mindful Conversation
We learn to converse when we learn language but I had never thought about what a conversation is beyond the in-the-moment intent. What do I bring to a conversation? What does it mean to be fully engaged in a conversation? A mindful conversation is one in which we are present in vocabulary, pace, pronunciation and pitch. I found this perspective to be a breath of fresh air. I was able to take a pause and ponder communication.
The Breath
As in any mindfulness practice, the breath is the ultimate tool to ground us in the present. Sakyong Mipham examines the relationship between words and breath. “We see that our words are not simply hollow verbal expressions leaving our lips. They are the connection between our bodies and our minds. As we utter words with our mouths, our attitudes and intentions are carried along the breath and vibrate through our bodies. […] Like breath itself, words cannot be controlled once they leave the lips. They float along the vapours of time and space like dandelion seeds. There is no predicting where they will land and how they will grow, but they are always affecting the environment, other people, and ourselves.”
Self-Conversation
The Lost Art of Good Conversation goes beyond dialogue with another person. It is about our self-chatter as well as the intentions that we put out in the world. “When you’re not sure of your intention – or don’t have one – irrational thoughts, obstacles, and emotions sabotage your mind and vocal chords, and life is difficult.” Soundtracks: The Surprising Solution to Overthinking encourages action. Jon Acuff encourages readers to have a defined goal that they can spend time on when they don’t have anything else going on. It’s the intention to work on something that is important to us that keeps us making progress.
Nowness
Sakyong Mipham says that conversation is the practice of nowness i.e., we are engaging in the power of being on the spot, living in the moment. One powerful concept is that of the non-negotiable-ness of the now: This is true not just for conversations. We cannot impose what we would like to be happening over what is happening now.
Decorum
I enjoyed the section on decorum that focuses on the words that we choose and what they say about us. Sakyong Mipham encourages the reader to reflect on their speaking patterns. To notice gentleness, aggression, kindness in the words we choose. I liked how this was turned inward and related to the practice of mindfulness in general: “In a short meditation, reflect on your decorum with your sense of self, your emotions, and your moment-by-moment experience. As you begin to self-reflect or meditate, the main thing to keep in mind is that you cannot fail. Any time you spend paying attention, applying the mind to any kind of meditative technique, is helpful. By simply reducing your activities and sitting still, being with yourself you can learn to let go of the perpetual struggle with your own situation. This is good decorum. As in a good conversation, give space. Offer yourself a little leeway, honesty and humour, A combination of mindfulness and friendliness is ideal.”
Ponder: What is stopping me from truly listening? What are my habitual listening patterns? How do I act when I am alone?
Praise
Do you struggle to take or give praise? Sakyong Mipham had insight on that! Praise demonstrates magnanimity. It highlights our good character. It shows we are able to go beyond self-absorption. I hadn’t thought of praise that way before. The idea isn’t to compliment all the time. True praise is genuine. On the other hand, being present to receive the compliment and see it as a gift helps us accept it with grace.
Reminder: Good conversation is about enjoying being with a person.
Ultimately, through conversation, we share our human experience. In Babel, Ramy beautifully describes translation in everyday conversation: “Listening to the other and trying to see past your own biases to glimpse what they’re trying to say. Showing yourself to the world, and hoping someone else understands.”
I found the essays in this book very helpful. The Lost Art of Good Conversation, as you can see from my review, brought together ideas from a number of books I have read, while at the same time, presenting them in a new way. There are many more pearls of wisdom offered by Sakyong Mipham and I encourage you to pick this one up and find them for yourself. It’s a short book with the audiobook being under 5 hours. I definitely plan to go back to it for a refresher on conversations when I need it. There is nothing like reading a book and being able to pause and reset. 🙂
Thanks for making it to the end of this review! If you want a refresher on conversation, give The Lost Art of Good Conversation: A Mindful Way to Connect with Others and Enrich Everyday Life a read. I adored it!
Add it to your Goodreads shelf and let me know if you plan to read this or have already!
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