Kalyn Fogarty – Author of What we carry

Welcome to Armed with A Book, friends! I am honored to host author Kalyn Fogarty today, author of What we carry, the novel I shared about yesterday. If you haven’t read my review yet, take a look at the synopsis below and dive into the interview. It is a pleasure to have such an open conversation about pregnancy, miscarriage and more as well as discussion fiction. I hope you enjoy the interview!

Hi Kalyn! Welcome to Armed with A Book. It is my pleasure to host you today. Can you tell my readers a little bit about yourself and your journey as a writer?

Hi! My name is Kalyn Fogarty. I currently live on the south shore of Long Island with my husband and two little girls. I grew up near Plymouth, Massachusetts on a horse farm. My family (parents and two sisters) still live up there, so I visit the area often. When I’m not writing, I’m working at my “day job”- owning and operating my horse training business Artemis Training and Sales. I’m a professional horseback rider and have been training hunter/jumper horses and their riders since I graduated from Stonehill College in 2006. I’ve written on and off since I was a child and always wanted to be published. This is my first traditionally published novel.

What we carry is a beautiful book about motherhood and I loved the story. How did the idea of What we carry come to you? What made you want to pursue it?

In October 2017 I miscarried my first pregnancy at almost 17 weeks. After my loss, I was sad and confused and sought solace in one of my favourite places- fiction. However, I had a hard time finding novels about this specific type of grief. There were a lot of self-help and memoirs detailing pregnancy loss, but that wasn’t what I craved. I just wanted to get lost in a story that felt familiar but wasn’t aiming to specifically help me manage or express my grief.  Fast forward a bit to February 2019. I was a few months postpartum after delivering my rainbow baby in October 2018 and I was finally ready to begin writing the story I wanted to read. I wanted to put into words all the fear, hope, sadness and all the other multitudes of emotions I felt while trying to start a family after losing a baby. 

Cassidy’s story about losing her child is heartbreaking to read. Almost every long running sitcom shows pregnancy at some point. I have seen versions where women become obsessed with their diet and routine, as well as the struggles of getting pregnant itself and not being able to have kids at all. What do you think about how pregnancy is portrayed in the popular media? Is the image they project of pregnancy correct?

This is a great question. I feel like popular media idealizes pregnant women. There are blogs and Instagram accounts and countless other media dedicated to pregnant women. Everyone loves a pregnant woman. We love to shower them with advice and even glamorize the not so glamourous bits (morning sickness? try this!) But I think the media sometimes drops the ball once a woman actually has the baby. It especially drops the ball when a pregnant woman loses a baby. Once the baby is here, the messy business of mothering takes over and if there was a miscarriage, the messy business of grieving is tricky to tackle. I think it’s easy to get wrapped up in the hype over baby showers and gender reveal parties and baby bump photos because it’s a lot more fun and glamourous then the reality of life once the baby is born. I saw an article recently suggesting we forgo baby showers and throw post-partum parties instead. I think this is great, since moms probably need more support AFTER the baby has arrived then in those “glowing” months beforehand.

Cassidy’s story is likely closer to women today, like myself, who pursue their career first and want to have a family when they are more financially stable. While in the West there might not be the same pressure to have kids (I grew up in India and understand the obligations there), how does the freedom to pursue a career affect the choice to have children?

Choosing when to have children is such a deeply personal decision. Some women, like myself and Cassidy in WHAT WE CARRY, chose to have children later in life, after establishing themselves in their career. Others pursue motherhood much earlier. I think there is no right or wrong, just what is best for each individual. However, women’s biological clocks have not caught up to our desire to wait out motherhood in pursuit of financial/career stability. There is still a very finite time in a woman’s life that we can bear children, so I do believe this pressure begins to be felt by any woman in her thirties and later. It’s so hard, because I think a lot of women have been told “you can have it all!!” but honestly, that’s not always true. Having it all requires a lot of work and things don’t always go according to our best laid plans. Ask any woman dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss and she will tell you that the path to motherhood is not always as easy as we are led to believe.

I am sorry about this personal question but I think it is important to ask – What are some things you wished you knew when you first started to try getting pregnant?

I wish I had known that even if you do everything right, getting pregnant is not as easy as you’d think. Like a lot of women, I spent a lot of time worrying about how to NOT get pregnant while in my twenties. Then, when I was finally ready to responsibly start a family, it proved to not be as simple as going off birth control. This is a tricky question because while I was going through this time in my life, I resented all the people telling me “to relax” or “it will happen when the time is right,” so I won’t say any of that here. I didn’t have to go through IVF or anything like that, but I do wish someone had just listened to my worries and made me feel heard (even if I was being a bit neurotic!) So, I guess I wish I had found that person to talk to about this stuff and hope the same for anyone going through the struggle.

Do you think you will write more about Cassidy? Managing home life when career is also at its peak is a challenge that many working women face especially when they have a demanding career.

I’m not sure if I will follow Cassidy directly anymore. As I wrote WHAT WE CARRY, Claire’s character spoke to me more and more. In early drafts, she was not a POV character. However, she demanded to be heard. At the end of the novel, Claire is going through her own change in life. Her children are getting older and she’s dedicated her young adulthood to motherhood but is beginning to focus again on some of the things she may have put on the back burner. I think there might be a story there. So, I’m sure Cassidy would pop up in that one!

Are there certain taboos that no one talks about when it comes to pregnancy and having kids?

I think miscarriage and still birth are still very taboo topics. I think this is mostly because it is so difficult to talk about something so painful. In my experience, people didn’t say anything because 1.) They didn’t want to upset me more and 2.) They truly had no idea what to say. To those people looking to help their friend/sister/colleague through pregnancy loss but unsure what to say, I would advise to just listen. Ask them if they want to talk. If they do, don’t offer advice or empty platitudes. Just be there for them. If they don’t want to talk yet, respect that and be there for them if they are ever ready.

I also think people, especially women, don’t like to admit how hard mothering can be. We live in a society that glorifies the carefully curated snapshots of motherhood we see on Instagram. Even the “real” photos are edited. Sometimes it’s nice to just be real with each other and say “yesterday sucked, my kids are making me crazy” and not feel like you have to edit yourself or say it tongue in cheek. Sometimes my kids make me want to cry. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them!

One of the parts I absolutely loved about this book was Cassidy making a connection between her current age and the age at which her parents would have had her. She realizes how, as much as she looked up to her parents, they didn’t know much more than she does now. That made me pause and reflect on my parents. What made you want to include this particular knowledge of life in the book?

I think it’s normal to look back on your childhood and be hard on your own parents. It’s easy to look back and see their short comings and all the ways they failed you. If you go by the movies and books, most of our adult problems and phobias are some remnants of childhood trauma. But if you try to reframe things and see your parents as people outside of their “job” as your parent, things look different. If you imagine your mom as a woman with her own desires and hopes and dreams that might not include you, it really gives you a new perspective on parents as people. In WHAT WE CARRY, Cassidy’s mom is often narcissistic and at times very insensitive and abrasive. However, once Cassidy experiences loss and struggles with motherhood, it becomes easier for her to understand her mother’s shortcomings and this understanding is the first step towards forgiveness. I felt this was an important theme for the book since I really wanted to explore how motherhood is so complicated in many different ways.

What kind of response were you expecting from your readers? What has their response been like?

I really hoped this would resonate with women who have experienced loss or who are in the throes of motherhood or trying to get pregnant. So far, I’ve had very heartfelt responses from exactly these types of readers. Surprisingly, the men who have read it and reached out have been equally as touched. I think including the husband’s perspective was a good choice since it has endeared the novel to men as well. I think fathers are often overlooked when we talk about grief relating to pregnancy loss. It’s important to remember they lost a baby, too. 

Talking about miscarriage, postpartum, etc., terrifies me a little. I don’t have kids yet and haven’t started trying yet and it seems like a big step into the unknown. What we carry gave me courage. It showed me the wide range of things that can happen and take strength from Cassidy. What message would you give to women like me who haven’t quite started their journey yet but want to?

It’s not easy and sometimes the journey seems impossible, but you will get there. Even if the road isn’t exactly the one you imagined yourself travelling. Also, you aren’t alone. 

Are there any books that you would say influenced and shaped you as a writer? What kind of books did you read to research this book?

Certain authors have definitely shaped me. I’m a voracious reader and if I like an author, I devour their entire backlist. Some of my favourites are Jodi Picoult, Anita Shreve, Caroline Leavitt, Alice Hoffman, Wally Lamb and Stephen King. 

To research for this book, I mostly conducted interviews with women who experienced loss and also spent a lot of time on grief forums. Anne Lamott’s BIRD BY BIRD and Stephen King’s ON WRITING are my favourite books on writing. 

Would you like to give a shoutout to anyone who supported you while writing this book?

My husband, Kevin, gave me the space to work on this novel. Not an easy task with two littles running around. I wrote the initial manuscript while my older daughter was an infant and then edited while pregnant with the second. I’ve been working on the publishing/marketing side and writing book number two while they both run amuck around me!

If a new writer wants to tackle a different hard topic that isn’t talked about a lot, what advice would you give them?

Write with as much honesty as you can. People resonate with the truth and this will make your work shine. Don’t shy away from the difficult or taboo. Usually that’s what people crave most. 

Is there anything else you would like to share?

My speculative fiction, SOMETIME, SOMEWHERE releases in August as well. It’s a time travel/ghost story/love story crossover for fans of The Time Traveler’s Wife and Sliding Doors. My next Women’s Fiction is in the works and deals with Post-Partum Depression and unlikely female friendships. 

Also, I’d love to hear from readers on my Instagram, @kfogartyauthor or through email, kalynfogarty@gmail.com. 

---

Reading Experience and Review Link

Thank you for hanging out with me and Kalyn today! We hope that you will give What we carry a chance or get it for a family member who might find it helpful.

Cover Image:  Cover image: Photo by Tim de Groot on Unsplash