I have never read a non-fiction book in one sitting. I bring a lot of non-fiction works to you all and this one is so well written and comes at such an important time in global history, that I highly recommend reading it. High Conflict – Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley portrays the concept of high conflict in a well-researched and relatable manner. Ripley is an eloquent writer and her organization of ideas and stories is brilliant – I was hooked from the Introduction and by the time I was at the end of the last chapter, I did not want this book to end. I wanted to hear more stories about people and situations of high conflict, how they got into them, how they succeeded in getting out of them and what they learned about themselves and society in the process. Take a look at the synopsis below to get an idea of the situations the book covers:
When we are baffled by the insanity of the “other side”—in our politics, at work, or at home—it’s because we aren’t seeing how the conflict itself has taken over.
That’s what “high conflict” does. It’s the invisible hand of our time. And it’s different from the useful friction of healthy conflict. That’s good conflict, and it’s a necessary force that pushes us to be better people.
High conflict, by contrast, is what happens when discord distills into a good-versus-evil kind of feud, the kind with an us and a them. In this state, the normal rules of engagement no longer apply. The brain behaves differently. We feel increasingly certain of our own superiority and, at the same time, more and more mystified by the other side.
New York Times bestselling author and award-winning journalist Amanda Ripley investigates how good people get captured by high conflict—and how they break free.
Our journey begins in California, where a world-renowned conflict expert struggles to extract himself from a political feud. Then we meet a Chicago gang leader who dedicates his life to a vendetta—only to find himself working beside the man who killed his childhood idol. Next, we travel to Colombia, to find out whether thousands of people can be nudged out of high conflict at scale. Finally, we return to America to see what happens when a group of liberal Manhattan Jews and conservative Michigan corrections officers choose to stay in each other’s homes in order to understand one another better.
All these people, in dramatically different situations, were drawn into high conflict by similar forces, including conflict entrepreneurs, humiliation, and false binaries. But ultimately, all of them found ways to transform high conflict into something good, something that made them better people. They rehumanized and recategorized their opponents, and they revived curiosity and wonder, even as they continued to fight for what they knew was right.
People do escape high conflict. Individuals—even entire communities—can short-circuit the feedback loops of outrage and blame, if they want to. This is a mind-opening new way to think about conflict that will transform how we move through the world.
Content Notes: Depiction of gang violence, political unrest, amongst other high conflict situations.
Thoughts on High Conflict
Amanda Ripley is a journalist who has travelled the world and reported on all kinds of horrible situations from politics to war to education. One of the first thoughts I had as I read her Introduction was the effect that fake news and distrust of media has on journalists. In my professional life, I have felt what it is like to not have any impact, to feel like I was not being heard. As a journalist, it must be even harder to fight those prejudices that people have about news, especially as it becomes more and more polarized. Since reading this book, I have started to recognize high conflict situations in news articles, tried to identify whether the reporter is fueling the fire. Also, all stories have high conflict situations too.
High conflict is not just about politics.
Have you ever felt obsessed about something? Amanda Ripley does a fantastic job of breaking down high conflict into smaller parts, exposing through numerous examples how to come to be, giving the readers the tools to identify it for themselves. Her examples come from a variety of areas and not limited to politics, even though that is probably the most recent and easiest area of high conflict where we can get engaged. High conflict drives us to do things that are unlike us.
A couple years ago, Fiona (my cat) was stressed by the visits of another cat at our window. He would come and sit by the window, not moving at all. He was a bit of a bully and I had chatted with his owner before. The repeated visits at inconvenient times (2 am, 4 am) were disturbing Fiona as well as our sleep. So this one night, it was 9.30 pm and the cat was at our window, with Fiona howling away her discontent. I went to his owner (that late at night!) and talked to her. I was still very stressed when he showed up again the next day and I decided to give her another visit on my way to work.
Thankfully, it did not take long to realize that she would not do anything. We couldn’t ask her to make the cat an indoor one so we had to do something instead. Now, we block Fiona’s access to the windows late evening. I have never knocked on anyone’s door that late and I never would if I was thinking straight. It was a high conflict situation because I was obsessed and stressed for Fiona. I wanted the other lady to change but instead, I had to realize that I had to adapt. It didn’t take too long but those days and nights were very stressful.
I could not have done this alone though. It is hard for people to listen to reason when they are stuck in a cycle. The change has to come from within. Ripley identifies four accelerants for conflict – group identities, conflict entrepreneurs, humiliation and corruption. Thankfully, none of these existed in my high conflict situation and I was able to come out of it in a positive manner.
Even the best of us can fall for it.
Gary Friedman revolutionized the legal practice and is considered an expert in conflict resolution. His story was a very important part of High Conflict because it speaks to how even the most knowledgeable of us can fall into high conflict situations. Inspite of knowing the best practices of collaboration and conflict management, Gary still struggled in his position as president in his community. A volunteer position that he was elected to, it still caused so much stress and mayhem that his family did not know him anymore. It was sad but at the same time a very impactful situation. Sometimes we get so close to the issue at hand that we start to lose track of what else is happening. We can become so obsessed with the fact that we are right that we ruin the bridges that we have built with others.
There is a way to come out of it.
High Conflict talks about how we have multiple identities at any point of time. In high conflict situations, one identity becomes the more important one. During election times, for example, if there is a particular party that one if voting for and believes strongly in their policies, advocating for them and being a representative for them becomes quite important, maybe to the point that it is all one thinks about. For the people in this book, their identities as board member for their neighbourhood, gang member or environmentalist were key and had to be challenged.
Since we have so many identities based on our relationships and habits, that is the key to coming out of high conflict situations. When we focus on other parts of us, like being a parent or social worker, disconnecting from the identity that is in the midst of high conflict, we can make our way out of high conflict. There were multiple examples in the book on how powerful this shift is.
That’s not the only way to do it, of course. Identifying the forces that are keeping us stuck in the cycle, such as people who instigate and encourage that identity, can make us more aware of the changes we can make to feel better. High conflict feels good and bad at the same time. It gives us a focused purpose but it always takes us focus away from other things that matter.
This book opened my worldview and I feel better equipped to identify and handle high conflict. An important reminder of this book was that people change, as do the identities that we identify with. High Conflict is a treasure chest of knowledge and that last chapter about the cultural exchange between a New York synagogue and correction officers in Michigan was very impactful. While the book does touch on polar political ideas, it is not just about that. It is about human psychology, our need to be accepted and all the invisible forces that surround us. It is about being a good listener because when we listen to people, especially the ones who don’t agree with us, we are creating an opportunity for them to listen to our side. It does not mean that we will convince them. But it does mean that we will be in more harmony.
** High Conflict will be available in stores starting April 6th 2021. Be sure to check your local library and recommend this book to them or find it at your local bookstore. **
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Check out the Nonfiction section on the Book Review Index for more recommendations!
Many thanks to the publisher for providing me a complimentary copy of the book with the request for an honest review.
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