Welcome to the second Non-Fiction feature of the year! Have you read books focused on married life? I was on Pinterest one day and came across a reel about non-fiction books. This was pre-wedding and I thought it would be great to start a new chapter of my life with some solid advice. Turns out John Gottman is a renowned figure in the relationship realm and one of my friends had even read his books. What Makes Love Last? Is an exploration of relationships, the key moments that are pivotal in their survival as well as strategies to build a lasting relationship.
What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
By John M. Gottman & Nan Silver | Goodreads
A world-renowned relationship expert shares his research about love and what it takes to develop a trustful, intimate, and emotionally fulfilling bond.
In this insightful book, celebrated research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman plumbs the mysteries of love and shares the results of his famous “Love Lab”: Where does love come from? Why does some love last, and why does some fade? And how can we keep it alive? Based on laboratory findings, this book shows readers how to identify signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate a fraying relationship and provides strategies for repairing what may seem lost or broken.
What Makes Love Last?
You can probably guess I took a lot of notes! I often listen to non-fiction in audiobook format and then find myself pausing every couple minutes because as fast as I am at writing with decades of experience of taking beautiful notes (ask any of my old classmates), I want my scribbles to make sense to me. Super handy when I am writing about a book 4 months after reading it.
What Makes Love Last is a beautiful exploration of a relationship and I came out of it knowing the gravity and circumstances of certain moments. The book talks about the emotional as well as physical aspects of a relationship. I’ll focus on the emotional side mostly. You can read the book for all the tips and details, what I share below are just some of my key takeaways.
Emotional Health of a Relationship
If you have been in a relationship a long time, were there moments when it was vulnerable? Maybe you or your partner were preoccupied and maybe turning away from each other? I learned that there are certain events in life when couples are most vulnerable. Examples are the loss of a parent and the coming of a baby.
When I first read this, I was reminded of when I lost my grandma and the ways in which Clinton supported me through it. Just a few weeks back, I lost my Abu (dad’s sister) and I am discovering how her passing has given me a lot to work through. The grieving process is a long one and I appreciate that when I bring her or my Amma up again, he is still there to listen and support me.
Affairs
What Makes Love Last? talks about affairs and separation. It debunks the naive assumption that affairs are caused by lust. It is another need, most likely an emotional need, that is not being met when one partner turns to someone outside the relationship. The book goes into the psychology of keeping a secret and how it makes distance and cultivates mistrust.
What Makes Love Last offers lots of strategies to stay connected with your partner! Regular how-was-your-day chats, asking open ended questions, following up with statements that deepen both partners’ understanding and expressing compassion and empathy… Not being afraid to get their help in understanding, always having an open channel of communication. The importance of cuddles and making time to discuss goals and dreams together with a weekly check sounds great to do.
There are also lots of pointers for when therapy would be helpful and scripts that John Gottman has used with his study participants.
From the one to everyone else
One of my big lessons from this book that I apply to all relationships now is to not problem solve until I understand the other person’s situation and we can both agree that I have stated it to their satisfaction. This is something I have seen many great speakers and debaters incorporate into their discussions with people, and it’s always great to see ideas reiterated.
Months later, I love seeing how much of this book’s teachings I already do and what else I can incorporate into my life. A lot of what What Makes Love Last covers is not new. I had aha moments because it explored things I hadn’t had time to think about yet. There is power in that: to suddenly be able to take inspiration and advice from thousands of research studies and make a positive difference in our relationship – doesn’t that make life better?
I have read fiction novels since this one and I often find myself recalling the things I learned and noticing the behaviours of the characters who are partners. It’s so much fun to be reminded and see good and working examples in others’ lives, even fictional.
Do you have tips to share for a lasting relationship? I would love to hear from you!
You’ve reached the end of this review: here is one thing I would love for you to try: go hug someone you love. It will make you feel great! 🙂 I am going to give a hug to my handsome man! Until next time!
Lovely post, Kriti. As someone celebrating 31 years of marriage this week, Gottman’s observations resonated for me.
Congratulations, Angela! Thanks for reading. I am so thrilled to hear his observations resonate with you. 🙂