Welcome friend! Deciding to start a family and have children is a personal choice and in today’s world where so many couples we know choose not to have children, my husband and I had many discussions around why we wanted to. I was intrigued to learn about a book on this topic –What Are Children For?: On Ambivalence and Choice – and decided to give that a read. Here is what this book is about:
Anastasia Berg, Rachel Wiseman | Goodreads
A modern argument grounded in philosophy and culture about childbearing ambivalence and how to overcome it
Becoming a parent, once the expected outcome of adulthood, is increasingly viewed as a potential threat to the most basic goals and aspirations of modern life. We seek self-fulfillment; we want to liberate women to find meaning and self-worth outside the home; and we wish to protect the planet from the ravages of climate change. Weighing the pros and cons of having children, the Millennial and Gen Z generations are finding it increasingly hard to judge in its favor. What Are Children For? seeks to loosen the grip of the shallow narratives that either lament growing childlessness as a mark of cultural decline, or celebrate it as unambiguous evidence of social progress. Berg and Wiseman explore philosophical and cultural examples of this debate, whether from modernist writers like Virginia Woolf, second-wave feminists in the 1970s, or the current trend of dystopian novels and stories.
In the tradition of Jenny Odell and Amia Srinivasan, Berg and Wiseman write with clear logic and passionate prose to offer those struggling the guidance necessary to move beyond their uncertainty. What Are Children For? concludes that we must embrace the fundamental goodness of human life―not only in theory, but in our everyday lives, and having children can be at the core of that choice.
What Are Children For?: On Ambivalence and Choice – Review
I don’t need to look far to find the last generation where everyone had kids. My parents’ generation was that. I know of no married uncles or aunts who chose not to have kids. I picked up What Are Children For? to understand the choices or situations for couples to decide not to have children. Anastasia Berg and Rachel Wiseman present a thorough review of surveys, literature and opinions around ambivalence and the final choice to have kids.
I enjoyed the introduction “Under pressure” written by Rachel and the first chapter “The Externals” of this book. It laid out the historical background around the rise of ambivalence around having children. I heard from both men and women from different walks of life, sharing the thoughts that hold them back. I learned about a course that has been available since the 1990s for couples to take and help them figure out if having children is right for them. A number of factors can affect the decision including but not limited to age, financial stability, society pressure, personal values, religious influence, etc. In reading other reviews, there may be other aspects that could have been considered.
I don’t go out of my way to read feminist point of views and as I finished the first chapter, I was curious what feminists think of motherhood. The second chapter “The Dialectic of Motherhood” did a great job of reviewing those different perspectives and the futuristic settings that some feminists think childbirth would eventually move to.
The third chapter is where this book felt like it no longer took a neutral stance on childbirth. I thought I would like an analysis of how motherhood and choice to have kids is portrayed in literature. The third chapter’s name “Analysis Paralysis” ended up being just that. Firstly, I got the distinct impression that it was an academic literature review. The writing was not engaging anymore. It was very analytical and structured like arguments. I had heard some of the novels mentioned in the chapter but not most of them. The plot of many of the novels was analyzed in detail so now I have read spoilers. I struggled so much with this chapter. I wanted to be interested but I could not figure out why I was not. So I took a break and returning a few months later showed me the problem. What made this chapter very hard to read was the fact that most, if not all (because I can’t remember anymore) books covered did not have a positive spin on motherhood and pregnancy. Some of the women did go ahead and have children, but a lot of times, it felt like reading long dissatisfied monologues that were followed by analysis of those monologues which only proved the authors’ points that deciding to have children is life changing in a negative way.
Anyway, I kept going and made it to the final chapter of the book “To be or…?”. It was almost as frustrating as chapter three. The emphasis changed from feminism and literature to broader topics like global warming that influence the choice to have children. It was the experiences and thoughts of everyday people like me with day jobs that made the start of this book such an interesting read. But by this chapter, I was reading climate activists’ takes on whether they want children or not (and books and essays about this) and celebrities and movie producers on their thoughts and how they manage creative work with families, or their outright disgust at the idea of having children. Anti-natalist arguments were analyzed in depth. It was physiologically quite dense, countering each argument. I felt that the examples chosen here were primarily antenatal (pre-birth) and providing pro-natal (after birth) commentary would have made this more balanced.
Ultimately, the answer to whether to have kids or not comes down to a personal choice.
The concluding chapter of the book, “Hello from the other side”, is written by Anastasia where she contemplates at length about how to answer the question “how is motherhood?” for herself from the time her daughter is born to almost two years old when she and her husband are thinking of another child. The book redeemed itself a little bit at this point. I liked reading her thoughts, struggles and epiphanies.
Having children is a huge life change no doubt. Maybe some people accept the changes in lifestyle children bring with grace. For others, it might take years to let go of how life used to be before children. Some parts of What Are Children For? explores the struggles of going from ambivalence to making the choice to have children and the shock of how much they truly change life. It is a choice that was made, not one that was an innate draw, like it is for some couples who instinctively know if they want children or not. Maybe the struggle of parenthood is harder in the case of looking very closely on why something matters when our heart isn’t sure and has to be convinced. Maybe once we are committed, some of us can adjust to the changes better than others. I do not know. Personal experiences are varied and just like no pregnancy or child is the same as another, ambivalence and the final decision to have or not have children is also very personal and would look different for every person.
What role does this book play to that effect?
All in all, I really wanted to like What Are Children For? It had the makings of a great book, one that could have been a resource for someone looking to read a book about ambivalence and how to navigate it. If it had stayed neutral to ambivalence rather than showing a negative picture of childbirth and motherhood through its mostly one sided research, I would have recommended it. But the way it is, I cannot recommend to someone looking to read neutral resources about whether to have children. It is more focused on the not and though that is a legit approach to getting to why, I felt the tone was more negative than positive. After the first chapter, the book feels too academic and the philosophical arguments may not be an approach that all readers can engage in.
Thanks for reading my thoughts!
Many thanks to the publisher for providing me a complimentary digital copy for an honest review.
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