Welcome friend! Sometimes, I discover old books through new upcoming releases. I rarely read Young Adult but lately, I have wanted to find more impactful reads in the genre. This November, Amber Smith is coming out with the follow up book of The Way I Used to Be (2016), The Way I Am Now. My interest was piqued – a follow-up YA book almost 6 years after the first one. What did readers think about this one so much? What did the writer love about it so much to return to these characters? Let’s find out.
The Way I Used to Be
By Amber Smith | Goodreads
All Eden wants is to rewind the clock. To live that day again. She would do everything differently. Not laugh at his jokes or ignore the way he was looking at her that night. And she would definitely lock her bedroom door.
But Eden can’t turn back time. So she buries the truth, along with the girl she used to be. She pretends she doesn’t need friends, doesn’t need love, doesn’t need justice. But as her world unravels, one thing becomes clear: the only person who can save Eden … is Eden.
Content notes include rape, sexual assault, mental health, trauma.
The Way I Used to Be – Review
The Way I Used to Be is in the vein of The Unbreakable Heart of Oliva Denaro and My Heart and Other Black Holes. This book is the story of Eden. The book opens to Eden remembering the events of the previous night and if she could have avoided them. She recalls the intruder in her bedroom, his relationship to her family and his words, “No one will ever believe you.” She is fourteen, starting freshman year at school with a heavy heart. She has been raped by her brother’s best friend, someone she thought she could trust, and there is no one she could tell who would believe her.
Written in four parts, each covering a year of grade school, The Way I Used to Be is Eden’s journey to live with the sexual assault she suffered. It’s a dark, sombre book that I read in a day. I could not put it down.
The events of that awful night change Eden forever. She disconnects from her body. She loses faith in her judgement of people and embraces recklessness and anger. She keeps some friends but she is brutal to everyone else who may cross her path. Her relationship with her parents deteriorated but it isn’t just her: I never got the impression that they cared much about her anyway. Her brother who used to be her best friend is going through his own changes in life. He has already moved out of the house to college and he lives with his best friend.
During the freshmen year, Eden meets Josh. He is a few years older than her. She lies about her age and finds herself with him. One of the reasons Josh and Eden worked well was because of their families. Josh struggled with an alcoholic dad. They were able to find comfort in each other. But things don’t work out and she ends up closing further from the world when she and Josh break up.
After Josh, Eden’s reputation at school deteriorates. She sometimes finds solace at the library and in books but most of her time is spent doing high school kids things: parties, lying about her age, numbing her pain through alcohol and drugs. She has self-preservation instincts but they hurt the people around her. It takes Eden some years to see the vicious and negative world she inhabits. She punishes people and herself. No one knew what happened to her and she carried the burden of truth with her everywhere. She was only fourteen at the time of the incident and The Way I Used to Be is as much about coping as it is about being open and asking for help.
Friendships are a huge part of growing up. Eden has one friend but she never ends up opening up to her. Everyone handles grief and trauma in their unique way. Eden is no different. Her journey is uncomfortable and sad but that is the path she is on and she will go through with it.
The Way I Used to Be is a book for a certain mood. It is steady. It is dark and gloomy. I loved the writing and voice of Eden. Her disconnect from the world, her hopes and dreams, the person she used to be and who she has become are all portrayed beautifully. I broke down crying with her so many times. I wanted to hug her and hold her and make things better.
Eden does eventually find the courage to share her truth. The scene where she tells her brother what happened is pure anguish. He has to make space for her pain but first, he has to accept the role he played in how things went. All the times he wanted her to be better but never extended the help she would have longed to have. She watches him have his breakdown.
This is where the next book, The Way I Am Now will pick up. I am hopeful that Eden will get the justice she deserves. I am curious to see how the other characters in the book evolve now that they know her truth. Can’t wait for this November release!
Find The Way I Used to Be on Goodreads. Add The Way I Am Now to your shelf too.
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