The Way I Am Now

I had been waiting for the time to read this book ever since I got The Way I am Now in the mail. I had devoured The Way I Used to be over the course of a weekend and I was excited to instantly fall into the world of book 2. One weekend, I did not put this one down until I finished it.

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The Way I Am Now – Review

The Way I Am Now is the much awaited follow up to The Way I Used to Be. In that book, Eden had been fourteen, starting freshman year at school with a heavy heart. She had been raped by her brother’s best friend, someone she thought she could trust, and there is no one she could tell who would believe her. The events of that awful night change Eden forever. She disconnects from her body. She loses faith in her judgement of people and embraces recklessness and anger. She keeps some friends but she is brutal to everyone else who may cross her path. Josh was the only person with whom she felt like herself but they weren’t able to make it work in school.

One of the first differences between The Way I Used to Be and The Way I am Now is that we get Josh’s perspective. While in The Way I Used to Be, I got a glimpse of the guy Josh was to Eden, I didn’t quite know him. They were always so relaxed with each other that they could forget their troubles and carve out a small place in the world where they don’t feel unwanted or unworthy. I knew he had been struggling with an alcoholic dad but it was very high level. In this book, I got to read his side of the story. What Eden had meant to him, what had been eating him up inside.

Similar to The Way I Used to Be, this book is divided into four parts, covering the span of a year. At the beginning of The Way I Am Now, a few months have passed since Eden shared her truths. She is in a relationship with Steve, a few months of school left before she graduates. This relationship is bad for both of them. He is suspicious and protective. She is not really into him. She is in the last year of high school and with the way she has been treated at school, she hopes to finish through correspondence. She happens to run into Josh and they fall into an easy friendship. 

Josh

Josh is a very sensitive person. He is observant. He doesn’t want to disappoint anyone but he is also very hurt by his father’s actions, or lack of, for not being there for him. Josh’s family side story is beautiful and portrays the path of helping one another. His mom continues to work with his dad. He is able to see how she has carved another life out of this – she goes to meetings and talks to other people who are also family of recovering addicts. I was very happy to see Josh finally get to this point.

Knowing that there are people who feel the same way, who have the same thoughts of wanting to help their loved one. That was a beautiful moment in this book. The parents have tons to teach Josh and he is receptive. He knows his responsibilities. He takes control of his time. The tug of war he has felt by being in basketball but missing out on other things due to its time commitment weighs on him and as he settles into university, he has a chance to rethink what he wants to do in life. He learns of how basketball is not the way to make sure his dad is around. He has many hard conversations in this book.

Eden

Eden is trying her best. She is pulling her socks up. She is working hard. Once she starts university, she has help from Parker, her room mate. She has to recount that horrible day in the hopes that Kevin is punished for how he has treated Eden, Gen and Amanda. She finds solidarity in her court case, exploring why she bothered speaking up and how it helps the three of them. But at the trial, she is deeply jarred by a question by the lawyer and that contributes to sending her on a bad trip. She has much work to do on herself and her relationship with Josh. She makes it! 

The way she handles that same question next time is absolutely brilliant. 

I never write to characters but I am starting a new trend because I really want to talk to Eden:

Oh Eden. So strong. I am so happy to watch you walk back to happiness, by bringing the parts of you you loved, Josh, and finding other things to aim for. Exercising, Studying. I am so happy to see you start living your life. What happened, happened. It was terrible and it cannot haunt you forever. You can vanquish those ghosts and believe that happiness exists. Experience it. Life is not misery. Life is little moments with people we love, to sometimes being hurt by those people when they tell us things about us that we don’t want to see. But to also be seen by someone in our full brilliance. 

My letter to Eden

The togetherness

It is so easy to relate to these two characters. The pressure of holding so much pain and hurt, to not be able to share it and make things better. Now that she has shared her truth, Eden is starting to give life a chance. Aim for something. Her acceptance into university is a great accomplishment and booster for her mood. She lets Josh back in and they start to explore what it means to know all parts of each other, the things they love and those they are ashamed to talk about. They both feel that they have to keep their shit together but they keep messing up.

I felt for both Eden and Josh. They are written so well! They have their limits, things they have learned about themselves in the last couple years. Eden herself knows the dangerous patterns that she finds comfort in but she is actively trying to find something to keep her grounded. And that is Josh. They know they are flawed humans. They are young, already with so much world experience. 

Josh’s perspective in their relationship is one that I haven’t found in many books. He is the one supporting the main character having experienced so much trauma. He reminds me of the dad in The Unbreakable Heart of Oliva Denaro (review). 

I loved their romance, the shared and apart moments, the giddiness of knowing they have found someone who they want to spend their life with. Mentioning a proposal is a joking way of hinting at a bigger dream. Their passion and tenderness for each other – I love it. I enjoyed reading this so much!

The other characters 

The conversations between friends were spot on too. Mara had been important to Eden, and I liked how the book also addressed her questions around why Eden didn’t tell her. In that way, the transition into this book was super easy, the time jumps kept the pace just on. I was never bored. There were tension points after another as well as smooth sailing happy times mixed with working through stuff, everyday living.

It feels like an authentic portrayal of deep care for a human, to accept them and their pain, and not give up on them, but to continue to show up for them. Josh’s parents are a beautiful example of working through their tough times together and Josh is doing the same with Eden. They have a commitment to one another that, as Dominic questions may not be worth it considering all the effort and trauma. 

Eden’s family was still equally dysfunctional. Her dad is ignoring the court case, her mom is making excuses on his side and her brother has taken a semester off. But, they are still there for her in the way only they can. Her mom and brother are witnesses for her court case, supporting her account and how it affected her.

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I could write more about this book but I would prefer to just reread it again. If you haven’t picked up The Way I Used to Be, start there. My review is posted on this link. I don’t read many Young Adult novels but this tops the list with Ari and Dante (book 1 and book 2 reviews linked in text) and Brighter than the Sun (review). This was a very satisfying, emotional read with the right amount of everything. I highly recommend it.

Many thanks to Simon and Schuster for an advanced copy of this book for an honest review.