Welcome friend! The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban is a book I adore. I first heard about it through NetGalley and had the honor of getting a review copy but that wasn’t enough, as it often happens with books I fall in love with. In the week leading up to my wedding, this book was a companion of mine as expectations and demands from family were high. I had to take a break from it due to my India trip but coming back and finishing this book with fresh eyes is a memorable experience. I was trying to find time to read more non-fiction and had decided to use my morning time before breakfast. The Book of Boundaries was a lovely companion. Let’s take a look at the synopsis and my thoughts.
The Book of Boundaries
By Melissa Urban | Goodreads
Set the limits that will set you free. From the beloved co-founder of the Whole30, this straightforward and practical guide to setting boundaries will revolutionize your relationships.
Do your relationships often feel one-sided or unbalanced? Are you always giving in just so things will go smoothly? Do you wish you could learn to say no—but, like, nicely? Are you depleted, overwhelmed, and tired of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to establish some boundaries.
Since launching the mega-bestselling wellness program the Whole30, Melissa Urban has taught millions of people how to establish healthy habits and successfully navigate pushback and peer pressure. She knows firsthand that boundaries—clear limits you establish to protect your energy, time, and health—are all that stand between you and feelings of security, confidence, and freedom.
Now, in The Book of Boundaries, she shows you how boundaries are the key to better mental health, increased energy, improved productivity, and more fulfilling relationships.
In her famously direct and compassionate style, Urban offers:
• 130+ scripts with language you can use to instantly establish boundaries with bosses and co-workers, romantic partners, parents and in-laws, co-parents, friends, family, neighbors, strangers—and yourself
• actionable advice to help you communicate your needs with clarity and compassion
• tips for successfully navigating boundary guilt, pushback, pressure, and oversteps
• techniques to create healthy habits around food, drink, technology, and more
User-friendly and approachable, The Book of Boundaries will give you the tools you need to stop justifying, minimizing, and apologizing, leading you to more rewarding relationships and a life that feels bigger, healthier, and freer.
The Book of Boundaries : Takeaways & Lessons
The Book of Boundaries is a treasure chest of knowledge! Words like ‘boundaries’ and ‘privilege’ have become a common part of our everyday talk and I love that Melissa started the book by linking them together and defining what a boundary is and what it looks like. Melissa shares her personal experiences as well as her clients stories throughout the book and I found numerous situations that I could relate to or see myself coming across. While it is not possible to prepare for everything that happens to us, I believe that thinking about some things in advance gives me confidence and some foresight.
I define boundaries as clear limits you establish around the ways you allow people to engage with you, so that you can keep yourself and your relationships safe and healthy. […] you’re always in charge of where those limits lie, and enforcing them.
The Book of Boundaries, pg 6
In the first chapter itself it was clear to me that while I did grow up seeing my parents and friends enforce boundaries, it was always something that was modeled rather than talked about. It felt liberating to read about boundaries and realize where the responsibility lies and what they are for. Melissa says that boundaries are an essential life skill. I agree and I am thrilled to know so much about them now.
The Book of Boundaries is an empowering book. Touching on everyday situations and relationships that we are part of, Melissa helped me build confidence in building and recognizing boundaries. The book is divided into three parts with a total of twelve chapters. I learned the most from the chapter on setting boundaries with parents and in-laws, grandparents and other family members (chapter 4), boundaries in romantic relationships (chapter 6) and self-boundaries (chapter 10). The chapters on table talk (chapter 8) and sensitive subjects (chapter 9) were ones I hadn’t even thought about and they opened my mind to new ideas.
You are worthy of creating that safe space for yourself and reclaiming your rightful power, which you’ve been ceding to others for far too long. All that stands between you and feelings of ease, confidence, capacity, and freedom are a few carefully selected words, spoken with kindness from a place of self-care.
The Book of Boundaries, pg 22
Let’s take a deeper look at what I learned from the book.
Lesson 1: Speaking up for myself can be hard but it is possible.
Saying no, setting clear expectations and letting someone know that their behavior is unacceptable are a few of the everyday uncomfortable situations we encounter. Melissa shares the three steps to setting boundaries and her traffic light strategy (which I used for teaching many years ago, read about it here) is an easy way to get comfortable with such conversations. The steps of setting boundaries are:
- Identify the need for a boundary.
- Set the boundary using clear, kind language
- Hold the boundary.
Speaking up in the moment, advocating for yourself, and asking for what you need is uncomfortable. But what’s both uncomfortable and damaging is reaffirming the story that someone else’s feelings are more important or worthy than your own – which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace.
The truth is when someone over steps your limit there is no comfortable solution. But one path is paved with short-term discomfort that leads to major long-term improvements in your health and happiness… and the other that is just an endless circle that leaves you feeling unworthy, anxious, and angry, and resentful.
The Book of Boundaries, pg 31
Lesson 2: Don’t explain.
In an effort to be understood, we have a tendency to overshare and over explain our decisions. I have done this many times in the past but it was only when Melissa laid out the consequences of such a move that I recognized that has happened to me too. I am learning to know my reasons for myself, particularly in situations where someone asks me to do something for them and I don’t want to.
Setting a boundary without explaining, justifying, or excusing, is a truly boss move, indicating that you’ve given this plenty of thought, you’re crystal clear on what you need, and you’re comfortable advocating for yourself.
The Book of Boundaries, pg 39
Lesson 3: Setting boundaries helps others too.
Whether it is in a workplace or in the family, one person’s boundaries are empowering to another. I have experienced this first hand. Clinton is the oldest in his family and once I was introduced to his family, I have had a wonderful example to look up to. From a young age, he made his preferences clear to his parents. Me coming into the equation led to a few of them relaxing slightly while others I was able to solidify further. I have been able to build on top of his boundaries and approach family discussions around travelling and home visits with confidence.
The chapters on workplace boundaries (chapter 3) and setting boundaries with parents and in-laws, grandparents and other family members (chapter 4) were quite relevant.
Lesson 4: As a couple, always have a united front and handle our own parents.
Did marriage change anything in your relationship?
There are thousands of books that talk about married life and partnership and I found a new interest in them after my wedding. We were already a team but since the wedding, I feel a stronger energy and connection.
The advocacy and support that I want and am comfortable asking from Clinton is something I have discovered and we have developed together over time. Communication is key to relationships and boundaries have to be communicated. Chapter 4 went into many situations that parenting opens up couples to and it was such a learning experience to get Melissa’s scripts on them.
Lesson 5: I can do it any way I want.
This is one of the soundtracks I borrowed from Melissa. We grow up with certain notions of how things should be: living in a house together, having kids at a certain age, finding a job by a certain age, etc. But we are all individuals and our lives don’t always follow a neat plan. There is no right or wrong way of doing what we want to do. There is just the way that we want to do it. It may conform with what society expects, but then, it may not and we have to learn to be ok with what works for us, rather than seeking validation in what it should look like.
Lesson 6: Some questions are better not asked or answered.
My best friend, Lauren, and I chatted about this lesson. As a society, we are not just bad at saying no, we are also bad at accepting no. I was telling them about a Christmas exchange I was part of where I got offered something and I declined. The next five minutes were uncomfortable because the gifter wanted to know why I won’t accept their gift and I personally was thinking out loud and trying to understand my own aversion. As I looked through The Book of Boundaries days later for writing this review, I realized I had forgotten lesson 2. 🙂
The two chapters around table talk and sensitive topics drove this lesson home for me. Just because I am curious about something, it is not enough reason to bring up bad memories and trauma that I do not understand the extent of. Since reading this book, I ask myself if the answer would just benefit me or would it bring anything to the person I am asking of.
The flip side is being able to set boundaries around questions that are intruding that I should be able to walk away from. The number of times Clinton and I were asked, “So when are you getting married?” and the times “kids” are hinted at is sadly a part of living in our society where these things are valued but at the same time, it is no one’s business. Like I learned in lesson 5, it is all in our time. No one can make us do anything.
Too often, other people demand the deeply personal details of where we are in our lives. We don’t owe anyone answers, especially if we are struggling with those same questions ourselves.
The Book of Boundaries, pg 283
Lesson 7: I am capable of setting self-boundaries.
I have been looking into changing certain habits and thought patterns that don’t support me for a while now and as I read The Book of Boundaries I wondered if boundaries were the way to make changes with myself too. I was only halfway through the book and this thought built my excitement for the chapter about self-boundaries.
When I finally got to it, I was blown away by the tools that Melissa had to offer. The scripts in this section were super helpful in modeling how to go about setting boundaries. I learned how to state the problem, the different boundaries I could set to address it, the freedom I would experience if I met my self-imposed boundaries and the consequences of not holding the boundaries. The part about freedom and consequences was new to me and I enjoyed working on myself. I am relieved to have a system to fall back on when I mess up.
Next Reads
I also got tons of book recommendations from The Book of Boundaries and am diving into them. A few noteworthy ones are: Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do by Eve Rodsky (Goodreads), Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski (Goodreads) and Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by B. J. Fogg (Goodreads).
With the learnings from The Book of Boundaries in tow, I am now able to set boundaries and identify places where they were missing. I particularly love having a conversation with Clinton about what we experience. Reading this book gave us more to connect about while at the same time, increasing our vocabulary and finding ways in which we can support each other.
I know I will be coming back to it again and again as our lives change, as we become parents and assume different roles in our workplaces. I believe this to be true:
A lack of boundaries, much like trauma, is often passed down from generation to generation. Someone has to be the first to break the cycle, and you’re now better prepared than anyone to start communicating your limits into clear, kind words.
The Book of Boundaries, pg 125
What a book! I am confident that there is something in there for you. You are worthy of putting yourself first.
Will you give The Book of Boundaries a read? Add it to your Goodreads shelf or find it on Amazon and Audible. If you have already read the book, tell me your thoughts or link to your review in the comments. I will check it out. 🙂
Many thanks to the publisher for providing me a review copy of the book for an honest review. I totally went and got myself a finished copy as soon as I could!
I just posted self-help books that are on my TBR and one of them has to do with boundaries – looks like I’m adding another one! This is something I definitely need to learn how to do.
This one is fantastic! I hope you enjoy it and get a lot out of it! 🙂