Welcome to 2024’s second Non-Fiction Feature, friend! This is my second book by Gary Chapman! I love the timing: When I picked upWhat Makes Love Last, I was nearing my wedding day. Now, over a year later, it felt like a good time to ask the question: now that the wedding is done and married life is in full swing, how to continue to have a good relationship with my spouse? The 5 Love Languages is a short and thought-provoking book that answers this question. It also led me on a journey to understand my love languages and how they came to be. Let’s begin by looking at what this book is about:
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Gary Chapman | Goodreads
Falling in love is easy. Staying in love–that’s the challenge. How can you keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the demands, conflicts, and just plain boredom of everyday life?
In the #1 New York Times international bestseller The 5 Love Languages , you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner–starting today.
The 5 Love Languages is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.
Includes the Couple’s Personal Profile assessment so you can discover your love language and that of your loved one.
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts– Book Review
My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. For over a decade, I did not know this. My way of life was living with my mom and maternal grandparents, talking to my dad on the phone weekly, seeing him for 1-2 week periods annually with more frequent visits from my paternal aunt and grandparents. As I learned about the five love languages, I reflected on the love I received growing up as well as the ways in which I express love.
What I loved about The 5 Love Languages is the so many ways in which an act can be perceived as an act of love. Something as simple as starting on dinner while the spouse is making their way back from work is meaningful. The 5 Love Languages that Gary has found through his work are:
- Words of affirmation – this includes compliments.
- Quality time – this includes spending time together whether doing something or just hanging out.
- Acts of service – this includes general upkeep around the house and picking up the others’ tasks when they are tired.
- Gifting – this includes surprising the loved one with gifts and little trinkets.
- Physical touch – this includes holding hands and touching in public and private settings.
Long term love is very different from the high of new in-love. The book does a good job of contrasting the two. Researchers have found that the new in-love feelings last a maximum of 2 years. After that is where the work begins. The 5 Love Languages strives to help couples understand one another. Through numerous scenarios from couples he has worked with, Gary makes it clear that love is a choice and if couples want to be together, they are going to have to work for it.
In another book, Gary goes into love languages for children and how to teach them all five. We all tend to gravitate towards 2-3 of the above. Our childhood affects the ones we gravitate towards. Through the quiz at the end of this book and my reflections as I read about each of the languages, I found my love languages to be physical touch and quality time. Both of these were languages of my paternal side of the family. I love that they are also mine.
Thinking about my spouse and his love languages was another interesting exercise! We spent some quality time doing the quiz and discovered that we share physical touch as a common primary love language while his secondary is acts of service. He would really appreciate it if I helped more around the house beyond the laundry and everyday cat hygiene. 😀
Something that we did from What Makes Love Last, was make a chore list (he is big into lists and continues to be in this book too). We clearly outlined who was responsible for which task. From The Book of Boundaries I learned not to nag him and let him be responsible for his things, like I am for mine. I feel like it’s been a bigger journey for me to not bug him but I do like working on myself and I am definitely growing.
I am excited to apply my learnings from The 5 Love Languages to everyday life. Now that we know what our languages are, they are a great way to come back to when I want to express love in a way Clinton understands and appreciates. The same goes for him. Through Gary’s examples, I learned people often fall into the trap of thinking they know what their significant other likes without asking this. The assessments at the end of the book offer a great tool to get a concrete answer. Gary is often asked: Do love languages change over time? Does this assessment have to be done repeatedly over the course of a relationship? The answer is no. Our love languages are fairly stable as adults. That makes this information timeless and valuable!
What do you think of your love language? I highly recommend The 5 Love Languages to read to get to know yourself better as well as your significant other. Add it to your Goodreads and if you have already read it, tell me your thoughts.
Gary Chapman has other books targeted at single people, men and parents, some of which I might explore in the future.
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