Pursuing Our Passions (eg Reading) in Times of Stress

Today’s post is a personal one about adjusting to these new times. I have been home for almost a month now and this transition to working remotely has not been easy. It hasn’t quite helped my morale that there isn’t the same rigor at work as it used to be and, at the same time, I am trying to balance my personal and professional life. For a little bit I thought I would have more time to pursue my passion for reading but I have realized that to not be true. This post presents some of my struggles and stresses and things I have done to feel better. I recently read Super Sick by Allison Alexander and I have her here with me today to provide some inspiration as these times are not really new times for people with chronic illness.

Perceptions about Reading

Reading is my passion. Through reading, I found a new purpose for my little space on the Internet – this blog. Reading is my self care but sometimes, in times of stress and change, it is very hard to practice self care in the same way. I have read multiple threads on Twitter where my peers share that they are in a reading slump or are not able to write as much on their blog. For the ones I talk to regularly, I always tell them there is nothing to be guilty about, but we all know it is easier said than done.

When we are passionate about something and can’t seem to find the energy to do it, it only demotivates us further.

I know the publishing industry is hard hit by these times due to the shortage of paper, people working remotely and not transporting physical books, and publication dates being adjusted (see this thread on Twitter). On a personal note, I love physical books. I love the smell of them and Clinton often finds me flipping the pages just so I breathe the smell of paper. The earthy scent grounds me. My hardcopy books I ordered a month ago have not yet arrived and I am struggling with that. Ebooks will never take the place of physical books for me. I am probably going to order a book from my local book store just so I can drive to their store and get the book from the curb, rather than wait 2 months for Amazon to ship it to me. Cheaper or faster? Faster. Note though that buying more books does not mean reading more – buying physical books just makes me feel better.

The Internet is full of book promo tweets where authors share their book links because “readers have more time” as “they are home”. I understand that they are trying to sell their books. However, job security is a huge concern right now for a lot of people and the last thing that readers who are lacking time to read need (apart from the stress of our very long TBR) is more books. This perception that we have more time is not true for everyone – I used to listen to audiobooks while commuting and now there is no commute. Now, I have to intentionally make time for audiobooks. My reading has not increased. And these constant messages begging me to buy books because of all my “free time” do not help me. As a result, I have started to clean up my social media feeds.

The Changes I have noticed in my Reading

For the longest time, I was one of those people who finished every book that they start. When there isn’t as much time to read, where I spend my time matters. I have noticed this tendency to hop from book to book because one isn’t satisfying me enough or I want to be in a different world. I did that a lot this week and that made me think about why I was wasting my time.

Reading is self care. I read for pleasure. I owe it to no one to continue to read their book. I owe it to myself to enjoy what I read and that means breaking that persona of ‘I finish every book’ and creating the DNF shelf.

The relief I got when I let myself do that…

Many of the people that I talk to in the writing community – K.J. Harrowick, Nora McKinney and Sebastian Hetman, have all shared their perspectives on why they DNF and the importance of being picky and choosing good stories to read. I would not have realized that if it wasn’t for these stressful times.

Learning from Others

I have been thinking a lot about mental health lately and next week I will be sharing my conversation with Jordan Brown who is quite active in the mental health movement on twitter. Stay tuned for that!

Another great resource for me has been Allison Alexander’s Super Sick: Making Peace with Chronic Illness which I recently finished (review coming on the 17th). I picked up this book because I have been curious about this topic and my aunt has a chronic illness. Allison’s account was honest and told me so many things that my aunt would never admit to me. These times of stress and feeling demotivated or lacking energy are not new for people with chronic illness – they have been working through this forever. We have an opportunity here to learn and I invited Allison to provide us with some inspiration.

Allison, you often self-isolate because of your chronic illness. How has the news about lockdowns and self-isolation affected your everyday? Does it look any different?

Thank you for having me! My everyday looks surprisingly similar to what it did before, except I don’t feel guilty about not leaving the house now! I worked from home already, and the only thing my husband and I leave the house for right now is groceries. The biggest difference is all the online events and hangouts I get invited to. Sometimes I still don’t have the energy for those (as an introvert, even online social events can be draining), and that feels weird. I still have to deal with anxiety in relation to illness, as well, and the COVID-19 stress only adds to that.

I learned about the spoon theory from your book and then later my friend Ariel showed me how to use it. It was a really good exercise for me to try for my blog and reading as well.Can you tell us about the theory?

The Spoon Theory was created by Christine Miserandino, who has Lupus and is the founder of the website But You Don’t Look Sick. The whole story used to be on her website, but it’s been down for several months (I have no idea why, but hope she’s okay), otherwise I would link it here. 

Basically, she was having dinner with a friend who asked her what it was like being sick all the time. Christine gathered up a dozen spoons, handed them to her friend, and told her that each spoon represented a task she could accomplish that day (i.e. how much energy she has). She asked her friend to tell her what her work day would look like and to give up a spoon every time she listed a task. Her friend was shocked when she used up six spoons just getting ready for work in the morning.

Fun fact: My nerdy friends and I communicate this concept as, “I’m out of spell slots” (a reference to Dungeons & Dragons, where a magic user only has so many spell slots to use up and then they’re useless until they rest).

Healthy people often have unlimited spoons (or, at least, enough to get through a whole day with everything they want to do). But sick people are constantly picking and choosing with thoughts like, “If I do the dishes today then I won’t have the energy to get groceries, and I need food for tomorrow, so the dishes have to wait,” or “If go out with friends tonight I will have to stay home the next two nights to rest.” Even the planning and choosing itself is exhausting.

I am passionate about reading and writing. What are some of your passions? How do you cope with not having the energy to pursue them at times?

I love video games, board games, reading, writing, watching TV, and painting. Most of these can be solo activities, so it’s possible they developed because of my chronic illness and need to stay home a lot, but I’m not sure. I’m convinced I would still be a gamer even if I wasn’t sick. However, I know I would travel much more if I was healthier. In the past few years, I’ve had to let go of some things I could manage before—such as snowboarding, being part of a choir, and going to music lessons. I feel like my younger self had the ability to push through certain things (and pay for them later), but I’m either able to recognize my limits better now or my body is just less capable now that I’m getting older. Probably a bit of both.

Letting go of the things I love to do is difficult. And sometimes, it’s not even a permanent thing. Sometimes it’s just, “I’m in too much pain to even watch TV and all I can do is lay in bed.” It’s hard. I grieve. I hope for a better day tomorrow.

What are your suggestions for people to maintain and take care of their mental health at this time?

Forgive yourself when you’re not productive. This “get things done” attitude is so ingrained in us, we often feel guilty when we do nothing or choose to do something relaxing for ourselves.

Our value is not based on our ability to act—to complete projects, do work, cook, clean, etc. If that were the case, sick and disabled people wouldn’t have value when we’re too exhausted to do anything, and that is not the case! This is an incredibly stressful time for everybody and it’s okay if we need to take time to rest.

I recognise that this advice is spoken from a position of privilege. Some people do not have the option to rest from work right now, or they would be out of a job. Some are doctors, nurses, grocery clerks, and other necessary workers who are sacrificing their need for rest to serve others. Some are parents at home with children who are struggling with these changes. I hope all of these people can find pockets of peace during these difficult times and know that they are loved and appreciated.

I am glad you mentioned that because it really hit me that as big a deal it feels to be bored or unhappy with the extent to which I am working, there are people who are supporting us and do not even have time for self-care, never mind the energy.

Absolutely. And nonessential workers, like me, may feel guilty that we’re not pushing ourselves to exhaustion like these people. But it’s not about who’s suffering the most, like only those who are at a ten can speak up about having a difficult time. We’re all in this together and we’re all doing our best to learn how to cope with the stress however we can.

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Continuing to Read in Stress

I hope that the above Q&A with Allison was helpful to you and provided a new perspective. It’s all about adjusting expectations. Some strategies work and others don’t. Some days boredom just doesn’t leave us alone and nothing feels engaging. Here are some things I have tried with varying results:

Asking myself why I want to read a book before I start it.

This exercise is really helpful as it brings my intent to read something to the forefront of my mind. It also increases my curiosity for the book and I find I can stick to it longer. This reason is as simple as “I want to discuss with Ariel” to “I am going to learn how to improve my writing skills.” Trust me, “this is for a blog tour” does not work. I have to do it for myself. This has to be framed for me.

Setting a predictable pace of reading.

I usually have 5-6 books on the go that I pay some attention to. It’s too much. While before there used to be multiple opportunities to read like during the commute, now there aren’t so many. I created a reading tracker where I made the goal that I was going to read 30 pages of a book a day. If I wanted to read more, I could. If I didn’t get to it, that was going to be fine. I wrote on top of the schedule that “This is flexible.” With self-set goals, it is important to mention that. This was also a good exercise because it gave me an end date for a book if I stuck to a manageable schedule. It is also something to look forward to when all days seem the same. Think about the feeling of getting up in the morning and going “I’m going to finish this book today!”

On a more general note

Build a journaling habit.

When I get too busy at work, my bullet journal always takes a back seat. This is actually an excellent time to start or get back into journaling. A bullet journal can be as creative as you like and since the format is super flexible, it offers routine in a unique way. It can be an art journal, a tracker for your hobbies – there are spreads for everything in the bullet journal community. If you haven’t tried bullet journaling before, check out the website or Pinterest. I also have a couple of posts about it here. 

Take out time for friends.

In these times of self-isolation, I cannot stress the importance of connecting with people. If idle talk is not your thing, find a purpose. If you share hobbies, do that together remotely. Ariel and I discuss our shared reading on Zoom while with my friend Lauren we just have a causal Saturday morning catch up time. There is something to look forward to this way and we are building a new routine. We have the technology to do it, might as well use it.

Celebrate the small and take it easy about when you will finish the big.

I am a planner, if you didn’t already know. I plan days and months in advance. I want the predictability and whatever I can control, I will set it up to suit me. But when I have no idea how productive I will feel the next day, everything I do is a win-win. Whether it is finishing a book or reading a chapter or even selecting the next book (choosing from like 50 options is hard), it’s something. 

Doing any of the above does not mean 100% success. When I was using my bullet journal regularly, there were still days when I would not have the energy to use it. With tracking the pace of reading, sometimes I still start a new book, or push a book further down the TBR because I can’t convince myself to read it just now. The only person judging me is me, and I am actively trying not to.

Conclusion

It is natural to want to spend your time pursuing your passions but not having the energy to do anything. I used to feel super productive and on top of things when it comes to work, but without it being a source of success, I have to build my own success factors. I also have to learn to filter out the messages that don’t help me (like repetitive news stories, book promos, etc).

For my blog, it means making a point to write everyday on it. It’s something predictable, something stable in my day. Reading wise, I am glad I did not set a target on Goodreads for this year. I honestly do not want to know if I am ahead or behind. Some days I feel ahead and others I just don’t. With DNFing books or taking a day off from my passions, I  am not disappointing anyone, not even myself. I have a separate list of books from authors that I am yet to review but I don’t have the energy. They will happen in the future. And that’s okay. This time is about learning to accept the situation and make the best of it.

Whether it is getting more books from NetGalley or buying a book from the local store to go pick it up or having a long bath, we have to do what makes us feel better and in control. Some days we will be able to pursue our passions, and other days we won’t. And that’s okay.

What are you strategies for pursuing your passions in these times of self-isolation? Share them in the comments!

Cover Photo by João Silas on Unsplash
Coffee and book photo on Pixabay