Memoirs have a special place on my shelves and I try to read a few every year. Today I bring you an indigenous memoir by Helen Knott – In My Own Moccasins: A Memoir of Resilience. This is one of the most powerful books I have ever read and the reason it is powerful is because Helen Knott has a beautiful writing style and she does not mince words. She is very clear about who this book is for and starting with a powerful and unapologetic introduction, In My Own Moccasins is an emotional read that makes the reader pause and ponder a number of times. Take a look at the synopsis and content notes and then check out my review.
In My Own Moccasins
By Helen Knott | Goodreads
A memoir of addiction, intergenerational trauma, and the lasting wounds of sexual violence
Helen Knott, a highly accomplished Indigenous woman, seems to have it all. But in her memoir, she offers a different perspective. In My Own Moccasins is an unflinching account of addiction, intergenerational trauma, and the wounds brought on by sexual violence. It is also the story of sisterhood, the power of ceremony, the love of family, and the possibility of redemption.
With gripping moments of withdrawal, times of spiritual awareness, and historical insights going back to the signing of Treaty 8 by her great-great grandfather, Chief Bigfoot, her journey exposes the legacy of colonialism, while reclaiming her spirit.
Content Notes: Depiction of drug abuse, sexual assault, rape, racism, mental health, addiction and withdrawn.
Thoughts on In My Own Moccasins
In My Own Moccasins was recommended to me by Charlie at Peaches Book Club. Though we read it at different times, it was a pleasure to discuss this book with her. We reflected on the words and themes that spoke to us deeply and were in a safe place to talk about what it felt like to read about sexual assault and trauma to this extent that it is portrayed in this book.
On The Journey
Part 1 of In My Own Moccasins focuses on Helen’s life with an addiction, the ups and downs she has gone through, the times that she has tried and failed as well as the people in her life that give her a reason to keep trying to be better. Even though she has an indigenous heritage and roots, she has grown up as a Christian and part of the book explores the challenges of conflicting and multiple belief systems.
In My Own Moccasins is a raw book, quite hard to read at times. Part 2 goes into Helen’s family history and the situations that have led to sexual assaults. How people view ‘rape’ and ‘sluts’ are also analyzed. The book represents a journey of forgiveness, facing the terrors that leave us lonely in the darkness, and caring for oneself. This can take a long time with multiple false starts but eventually, Helen stands up on her two feet and is a brilliant person to look upto. Life is not all blackness and as a result, I want to acknowledge that there are some very positive experiences in this book as well. These are what give Helen the strength to keep going and keep trying.
On Pain
There are harrowing scenes in this book that both Charlie and I would never forget. The ancient story of how the Native tribes learned about illness from a sick tribe was heartbreaking to read. On a more personal level, when someone tells you about trauma they are experiencing, if you have experienced it first hand yourself, that pain and knowledge of what is to come for this loved one can be crippling. The shared experience of pain is something I had not pondered before I picked up this book.
When Helen was recounting the situations in which she had been assaulted, my first reaction was always to think of the alternative choices that she could have made. The more I read though and the more I learned her thoughts on her situation and her regrets, I realized that as someone who has never been in those tough positions, I do not have all the context to think the alternatives are even viable options. Helen did what she felt was the safest for her, and sometimes the safest option is still a bad option, one that can lead to further trauma. The connection between spirit and mind is a powerful one.
On Support
There were certain realizations that I had while I read this book. During therapy and recovery, an important way in which support is shown is by standing by the person who needs it. I had not realized the power of physical presence until I read this book. Seeing people’s encouraging looks in the crowds is good but having someone by your side is even better.
In My Own Moccasins is an unforgettable book. It’s one you read and must talk to another woman about. It is a journey from feeling like a victim to being traumatized as a consequence and then using one’s strength and will to conquer it all and thrive in this world. To make a difference and to speak up about the secrets that no one wants to talk about. It is an emotional journey that reveals so much about the reader as well as the author and the community.
** In My Own Moccasins is available in stores. Be sure to check your local library and recommend this book to them if they don’t have it already. **
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Cover image: Photo by Andreas Wagner on Unsplash
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