Doris Sew Hoy

Hello, friend! I have been gravitating towards personal development books lately. When I connected with Doris Sew Hoy about her latest book, Trust Yourself First: Cultivating Self-Awareness, Confidence and Resilience, I could not resist learning from her about the treasure trove of information I am going to find in it. Doris is an accredited executive, career and team coach, supporting individuals and teams to thrive and succeed. Let’s take a quick look at her book and then meet her!

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Hi Doris! Welcome to Armed with A Book. It is an honor to host you on the blog! Can you please tell me and my readers about yourself?

It’s an honour for me too, Kriti. I’m from New Zealand, am ethnically Chinese and since 1985, I’ve been living and working in the UK. I’m an accredited coach and group facilitator which is my day job for the past 20 years. I used to work as an economist in NZ, London and around the world before transitioning my career to focus on developing people. I took up golf about five years ago, and love playing. I also love walking my English spring spaniel, Mylo – who also appears in my book. 

Trust Yourself First: Cultivating Self-Awareness, Confidence and Resilience sounds like an amazing book and I want to unpack this title slowly but first, please tell me how and when the idea came to you?

I think I’ve wanted to write a book from a very young age, and while I made many starts over the years, it wasn’t until lockdown and Covid19 that I finally accomplished this life dream.

If I had to pin-point a precise time for the inspiration for the book, it was about five years ago after I had trained in “Clean Language” processes. I wanted more people to know about this wonderful innovation, which I believe everyone can benefit from, as you can became a better listener and use it to develop your potential. 

Tell me about the concept of self-awareness. What does it mean? Is it just mental, physical, spiritual? I think of it as something long term but also in the moment.

For me, self-awareness is about “knowing yourself”, including the impact you have on others.  You can develop or “cultivate” self-awareness, and thus it is a long-term process.  It is also “in the moment”, in that you have the ability to be fully present, without judgement, in the here and now and can take in what’s going on around you and within you.  That’s a skill and discipline that helps build self-awareness and which I discuss in the book.

Moreover, I wanted more people to understand and appreciate what’s going on inside your brain and body as this knowledge can help you become more self-aware.  That’s what chapter 4 is all about.

I remember growing up, cultivating confidence, getting up there on the stage, being a public speaker used to be portrayed as things to strive for. How does the concept of confidence evolve as one becomes more self-aware?

A key premise in my book is that the more self-aware you become – i.e. the more you know yourself, then the more confident you’ll become, especially when you can accept and appreciate where you are AND know where you would like to go.  

As I say in my book, confidence is a concept – it can mean different things to different people.   By asking a “Clean” question like, “What kind of confidence is that when you’re confident as a public speaker?”, it allows you to think and tell me more about your thoughts and ideas of what “confident” means for you.  In chapter 6 of Trust Yourself First, I explain more about what Clean Language is and give some basic Clean questions which anyone can use to enquire further. Too often we assume we know what one means by the words they speak.  Sometimes our assumptions are correct, other times less so.  Becoming “cleaner” means becoming more curious and open-minded to enquire.

Resilience is a popular term nowadays. I have read some very good books about it. How do you define it? 

I talk about resilience in chapter 10, titled “The Success of Failing” and define it as “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties”. To build resilience, you need to want to learn and be willing to put in the effort and time required.  To do that well, adopting a growth mindset, i.e. one where you believe you can change and grow, helps enormously.  

I go one step further in my book, saying that while it’s good to become more resilient and able to “bounce back” from adversities, it’s even better to become anti-fragile.  This concept of anti-fragility is about recognising and embracing shocks and disruptions to make you stronger, more creative and better able to adapt to new challenges.  

What makes Trust Yourself First unique? 

My book is unique in many ways.  Firstly, it’s part memoir; it’s my story about my epistemology – i.e. how I came to know the things I know about cultivating self-awareness, confidence and resilience.  You’ll learn about how I came from an immigrant family, how I felt like an outsider even in my own family, and how I wanted to find answers to that perennial “Who am I?” question. 

Secondly, as a self-help and self-development book, you’ll learn about my ACB model of development and change – Awareness, Choices, Behave – and how it’s applied in learning to trust yourself more.

And thirdly, you’ll get a taste of Clean Language, and learn to begin using some basic Clean questions to develop yourself more.  

I noticed that the synopsis of the book mentions ‘clean language’. I haven’t heard that term before but I suspect (from my experience), it might be related to being kinder to oneself. What do you mean by ‘clean language’?

The fact that you, and so many others, have not heard about Clean Language is proof that  supports my desire for more people to know about this wonderful innovation!  Clean Language is much more than being kind to oneself, which I call “compassion”. 

In Trust Yourself First, “compassion” is part of my 4C model of trust:  Consistency, Competency, Compassion, Communication.    

Clean Language (CL) is a specific term coined by its creator, David Grove, a psychotherapist from New Zealand. At a simple level, CL is a process involving the use of question structures that are least contaminated (or biased or influenced) with the thoughts or interpretations of the person who is asking the question.  Hence “Clean” as in not being contaminated. 

As I said earlier, often we “assume” we know what the other means when they say something.  This often is fine if our assumptions (and presumptions) are correct and the conversation just flows.  However, there are times and contexts when our assumptions are not correct.  Moreover, we may often be unaware of the assumptions we are making, which is quite a natural human phenomena!  That can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication, which in turn can led to all sorts of unintended and unhelpful behaviours.

The process of CL involves making use to the exact words spoken, whether by a client, patient, student, friend, child, etc., within the structure of the question.  That requires you, as the questioner, to pay exquisite attention to the other, listening to their exact words, to be able to select some words to use in a Clean question, to enquire further. 

You have some amazing reviews of the book. What’s something you hope readers would take away from it? What’s resonating from Trust Yourself First with your readers?

Many readers have said how much they love my style of writing, that it’s very clear and easy to follow, and that it’s like I’m having a personal conversation with you. Readers also say how they love the way ideas, information, and stories are woven together to inspire and motivate them to learn more about themselves. Many readers also like the summary of key messages at the end of each chapter, and how I pose specific questions for you to reflect on in your own life.  

The fundamental key message I hope readers take away with them is:

When you choose to learn to trust yourself more and to trust others more, you’ll find the key to unlocking your potential and live the life you want. 

Do you have a favourite quote or chapter in the book that you find yourself going back to? Why may that be?

I start the book with a quote from the Chinese sage, Lao Tzu – and use it to close the book in the Epilogue:  “When you let go of what you are, you become what you might be.”

My book shows you how to become more aware of “what you are”, how to “let go” of the parts that no longer serve you, and the choices you have to “become what you might be” and what you would like to have happen.

Is there anything else you would like to share about yourself and about your book?

I’m currently producing the audiobook of Trust Yourself First.  I’ll be doing the narration myself and am working with a professional audio-tech team from Universal Studio Sound in the USA.  I’m very excited as it’s a new learning venture and I personally love listening to audiobooks as well as reading books.  The audiobook is scheduled for release end of this year.  

I’m also running workshops for small groups on Zoom, aligned to supporting people who want to cultivate more trust in themselves and others.  Do connect with me to get dates and more information.

If you could give a shout out to someone(s) who has helped in your writer journey, please feel free to mention them below!

A huge number of people helped me give birth to this baby!  If I had to choose just two, then it’d have to be a shout out to two millennials in the USA: my developmental editor, Cass Lauer and Caitlyn Conville, who kept me on track with the editing and revisions phase. It was a real delight to get their feedback and perspectives.

Thank you so much for your time! 🙂

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Thank you for hanging out with Doris and me! Connect with Doris on her website. Find her on LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram.

I am excited to dive into her book once I finish my current read. Add Trust Yourself First to your Goodreads. The book is available on Amazon.

Cover image: Photo by Ali Kazal on Unsplash