Welcome to 2024’s first Non-Fiction Feature, friend! I love Brené Brown’s work. The first book of hers that I read was The Gifts of Imperfection (a reread is needed for me to write the review) and she soon became someone whose wisdom and words I love to incorporate into my life. Recently, I was feeling lonely. I tried journaling, talking to my husband, thinking over the situation that had led me there but I was unable to find a way out. I wondered what Brené would do and I remembered Braving the Wilderness was on my TBR. It might have some insights.
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone
Brené Brown | Goodreads
“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are. It requires us to be who we are.” Social scientist Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, has sparked a global conversation about the experiences that bring meaning to our lives–experiences of courage, vulnerability, love, belonging, shame, and empathy. In Braving the Wilderness, Brown redefines what it means to truly belong in an age of increased polarization. With her trademark mix of research, storytelling, and honesty, Brown will again change the cultural conversation while mapping a clear path to true belonging.
Brown argues that we’re experiencing a spiritual crisis of disconnection, and introduces four practices of true belonging that challenge everything we believe about ourselves and each other. She writes, “True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness both in being a part of something and in standing alone when necessary. But in a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet, hide in our ideological bunkers, or fit in rather than show up as our true selves and brave the wilderness of uncertainty and criticism. But true belonging is not something we negotiate or accomplish with others; it’s a daily practice that demands integrity and authenticity. It’s a personal commitment that we carry in our hearts.” Brown offers us the clarity and courage we need to find our way back to ourselves and to each other. And that path cuts right through the wilderness. Brown writes, “The wilderness is an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.”
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone – Book Review
Theologians, writers, poets and musicians have always used the wilderness as a metaphor, to represent everything from a vast and dangerous environment where we are forced to navigate difficult trials to a refuge of nature and beauty where we seek space for contemplation. What all wildness metaphors have in common are the notions of solitude, vulnerability, and an emotional, spiritual, or physical quest.
Brené Brown, Chapter: The Quest for True Belonging, Braving the Wilderness
Braving the Wilderness is an encouragement to be ourselves, no matter how hard situations get. It is about living with a moral code that makes us vulnerable while being strong and true to who we are. Through personal experiences and reflections, Brené shared how to be brave through the predictable and unpredictable, how to live with a brave wild heart and not get caught up in our viewpoints and perceptions. She challenges the reader to be uncomfortable and, particularly in high conflict situations, to not give in. We should not have to sacrifice who we are to please anyone.
Brené has created an acronym and verb ‘braving’ as a reminder to trust ourselves and others. The letters stand for:
Boundaries
Reliability
Accountability
Vault
Integrity
Nonjudgement
Generosity
Many of these are a means to get to know ourselves better so as to continue to be brave in all situations. The book dives into concepts of trust, belonging, civility, spirituality and loneliness, showing how they manifest in everyday life and what they truly mean for us. Recognizing fear and loneliness are key to working through them.
Brené wrote Braving the Wilderness during a tumultuous time in the United States of America. The political climate was becoming more and more divisive and people who believed in different things were finding it harder to communicate. Generalizations were abundant. Through the book, Brené attempts to give the readers the courage and tools to not run away from hard conversations.
People are Hard to hate close up. Move in.
In the chapter People are Hard to hate close up. Move in Brené encouraged me to think about the language I use and kinder ways in which I can express my discomfort. She admits that living by high standards takes diligence and awareness and the big picture is sometimes too big to have a quick heated debate about. I love her message to learn to navigate conflicts and differences of opinions with the intent to deepen understanding of the other person, ourselves, the situation and the world. Asking questions, truly listening to the other person… The way we form our opinions, if we have truly thought about them, are rooted in our experiences and when we give each other the chance to speak, we learn together. Also, it is ok to admit that we don’t know about something. Jon Acuff summaries this as “curiosity over critique” in Soundtracks.
Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil.
In the chapter Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil. Brené analyses the difference between bullshit and lying. “It’s helpful to think of lying as a defiance of the truth and bullshitting as a wholesale dismissal of the truth”. She confronts the mistake that many of us make by thinking that the other person knows better and they are being malicious or mean spirited. One particular story that stuck with me was when someone she was talking to assumed that she was in favor of guns. When she tried to explain her stance, she realized that the person she was talking to was incapable of a nuanced conversation about the topic. I am borrowing her words on how to step out of a conversation and suggest talking about it at a later time.
I know that this is a hard and heartbreaking issue, but I don’t think you’re hearing me. I’m not going to participate in a debate where this issue is reduced to You either support guns or don’t. It’s too important. If you want to have a longer conversation about it, I’m happy to do that. And I won’t be surprised if the same issues piss us off and scare us.
Brené Brown, Chapter: Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil., Braving the Wilderness
This takes courage and I am thankful to have found someone who has courage to share.
There are also other stories in this chapter when Brené herself did not practice what she preached. There is another story when Brené did not know that a word she used had a derogatory meaning. Linking back to the People are Hard to hate close up. Move in chapter, she encouraged thinking about the language we use to make someone aware of their mistake and giving them the benefit of doubt that maybe they were truly not aware of the issue. Approaching from a place of kindness is good for all of us.
We are complex beings who wake up every day and fight against being labeled and diminished with stereotypes and characterizations that don’t reflect our fullness. Yet when we don’t risk standing on our own and speaking out, when the options laid before us force us into the very categories we resist, we perpetuate our own disconnection and loneliness. When we are willing to risk venturing into the wilderness, and even becoming our own wilderness, we feel the deepest connection to our true self and to what matters the most.
Brené Brown, Chapter: Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil., Braving the Wilderness
Hold hands. With Strangers.
I recently went to Taylor Swift The Eras Tour movie twice. I watched it with my best friend and then again with my step mom, sister- and mom-in-law. The experience of enjoying something that we love together is exhilarating and brings so much joy and happiness.
In the chapter Hold hands. With strangers. Brené addresses such impactful moments. She talks about watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in the theatre and how everyone present reacted to Dumboldore’s death. She shares memories of heartbreaking incidents that caused such massive grief and sorrow that could be shared with strangers on the road. My mind goes to the Columbia Space disaster and the Covid-19 pandemic when in March 2020 everything was shut down and we were in lockdown. Showing “up for collective moments of joy and pain so we can actually bear witness to inextricable human connection” is the way we are united in our humanity.
Being alone in the midst of a widely reported trauma, watching endless hours of twenty-four-hour news or reading countless articles on the Internet is the quiet way for anxiety and fear to tiptoe into your heart and plant their roots of secondary trauma.
Brené Brown, Chapter: Hold hands. With Strangers., Braving the Wilderness
But what we actually need is to sit with the pain with others. It is a skill that we all need to practice and life does (un)fortunately give us opportunities to practice. Jody Carrington in Feeling Seen: Reconnecting in a Disconnected World also encourages readers to not shy away from sadness and grief and instead teach kids to experience them with the family. Brené is right. “We hold on to our feelings of social connectedness and well-being past the actual events.” Online connections are generally superficial compared to in-person experiences and we have to return to seeing people in person as much as we can for our own good. We can be grateful that we share our lives with so many people.
I am honored to have so many people to share and enjoy the Taylor Swift concert with. 😇🥰
Strong back. Soft front. Wild heart.
Coming back to BRAVING in Strong back. Soft front. Wild heart, Brené outlines how we can continue to strengthen our courage. Learning to set, hold and respect boundaries, doing what we say with our whole heart, not taking on too much or too less (being reliable), letting go of shame and blame and taking responsibility for our actions (accountability), recognizing what is ours and what isn’t ours to share (vault), practicing our values (integrity), getting better as asking and receiving help (nonjudgement) and being generous in our assumptions about others are all the ways in which are grow our courage and be brave.
I love this question that Brené poses: “Are we willing to show up and be seen when we can’t control the outcome?” The idea is to always show up as ourselves completely and live life fully. Jon Acuff says in Soundtracks, “Proof won’t find you; you have to find it. Fear comes free. Faith takes work.” Brené has a similar message to share. We need to stop looking for confirmation that we don’t belong. “True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”
When we feel isolated, disconnected, and lonely, we try to protect ourselves. In that mode, we want to connect, but our brain is attempting to override connection with self-protection. That means less empathy, more defensiveness, more numbing, and less sleeping.
Brené Brown, Chapter: High Lonesome: A Spiritual Crisis, Braving the Wilderness
After finishing Braving the Wilderness, I picked up Thich Nhat Hanh’s Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. Though written at completely different times by different people, both books are about connection.
I hope you found some insights in my review. If you haven’t read Braving the Wilderness yet, I encourage you to pick it up when you need a reminder that you belong. It was on my TBR for over 3 years and I am glad that it was there for me when I needed it.
Add Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone to your Goodreads shelf if you are intrigued.
Thanks for joining me today! Have you read any of Brené Browns books or want to? Let me know. 🙂
Related Books
- High Conflict – Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley | Goodreads | My Review on the blog
I haven’t reviewed the following books yet but I absolutely adore and recommend them:
- Soundtracks: The Surprising Solution to Overthinking by Jon Acuff | Goodreads
- Feeling Seen: Reconnecting in a Disconnected World by Jody Carrington | Goodreads
- The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown | Goodreads
- Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh | Goodreads
- Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brené Brown | Goodreads — I haven’t come across any book like this one. Learn about the connection between emotions, how they feel in the body and much more. I refer to this often and need to get my own copy. Laur, thank you for letting me have yours in the meantime. ❤️
Very insightful. I enjoy reading your reviews. I’ll be buying more books and expanding my selection of things to read. Thanks. mevogt48@gmail.com MaryEllen Vogt
Thank you MaryEllen. 🙂 I would love to hear which books you add to your shelves!